Scribblings of the Opiated Sherpa

Washboard Blues

2007-07-31T23:33:00.000-06:00

My favourite saying of late
Is that I wanna cry.

The world has been crumbling around
The people
The state of affairs
The disbelief.

I say the words
Jokingly
But there's a piece of me
That would kindly accept
A tear...
Or two.

There have been more days
Than less
That I could use a reset button.

I would start it all again,
There are times where I regret
Everything.

If I wanted to live with no regrets
I probably could have done more
I probably could have said more
I should have meant more.

Morbidity
Mortality
Time...
All things weighing me down.

There's this sudden end
It's coming soon
Sooner for some
Not soon enough for others
But it's coming.

If I was to go right now
Away
Gone
Left it all behind...
I don't want anyone to think of me
After the fact.

I don't think many will
Some might
A passing glance
Something to do
But I'll be gone
Somewhere more
To where I'm supposed to be.

Africa
Asia
Europe
Or Beyond.

I haven't quite decided
Yet
But I will.

Music For The Moment

2006-12-10T23:40:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to find a song
To catch the idea of what I want to say
Something we can both share.

Lyrics to touch the soul
Music to bring us together
But the question remain.

I wanted to find the perfect one
The one that says everything
And I want to be sure.

Will it be too much?
Are you gonna run away when I play it?
Will you sing along if you stay?

It's going to need a moment
A moment like no other
Like the time I have you alone.

I'll rehearse the moment to myself
I want to get it right
And I'm going to need to time it perfectly.

The moments we've shared
Haven't been quite right
Yet I know the feeling is there.

The magic
As I look you into in the eyes
And I hold you right there.

Save that thought
I'd say
As I run over to the player.

I'd hit play
And the moment would envelop us
That would be it.

There you'd take a moment
Think to yourself until you're sure
It's only a few bars when you figure it out.

You'd look back at me
As if to say it was cliche
But you still love it.

We'd whisper the song together
Your arms around me
And we would begin to move with the rhythm.

I would wish for the song
For the moment
To carry on for the longest time.

An epic moment
Deserves an epic song
Which brings me to this epic thought.

I could find an easy song
Thats longer than five minutes
But is that really enough?

I could find the longest song in history
It probably doesn't have the right feel
Because I want to make this right.

I'm not very musical
Or else I would do it myself
I could write a symphony to this moment.

Alas, my dreams escape my reality
So I find something that's already done
Trying to make it come across as my own.

The whispers
The movement
The moment.

That's all that really matters
All that leads up to
Up to and including...

Back to Back Nights

2006-10-24T23:17:00.000-06:00

I'm back to this
Last night didn't work
I was still awake to partially awake for hours.

How could I not think about you
And you
And me?

Where does all this time go?
Why is it wasted?
Where I am supposed to go now?

I'm going to try and sleep again
My mind makes no promises
Despite being convinced I'm getting stronger.

Last night's thought process will be a little bit different
Probably not by much
But enough that I probably won't see 2am.

I want to convince myself
That either of you shouldn't be here
One is definitely easier than the other.

I'm still reflecting
Even in the middle of this piece
It's distracting.

My heart bleeds a bit
Some for you
Mostly for me when I awake from my daydream.

My skin is breaking out in stress
My eyelid follows suit with it's twitching
Suprised my hair isn't falling out.

Weighted Ride

2006-10-23T23:23:00.000-06:00

I'm trying to hold myself up
Against the winds of doubt
Against the weight of loneliness
I am growing weary of it all

There are times
That I want to give up
To meet a sweet release

When the seasons change
My heart always seems to stay the same

I'm doing something wrong
No one seems to want to point me in the right direction
Give me a hint
Leave me with a little more wisdom

The circle I run in
Doesn't seem to have the exit I'm looking for
It's a pretty lame ride
I hope I didn't pay too much for it.

Question Period

2006-10-13T23:55:00.000-06:00

I rub my eyes for clarity,
but the lines are still blurred.

I drink to blend them together,
but it all comes apart later.

I try to do one to do the other,
but everything seems to get worse.

I'm damned if I do,
Damned if I don't.

What do I do?

I ask questions to know answers,
but with no reply,
comes no resolve.

Less of a position I wish I knew of,
that way,
I'd feel less sorry for myself.

Time always seem to play,
a simple game of jump-rope,
but it just seems that I can't get in.

What could I be possibly doing wrong?

Is it wrong to be me?

Is it wrong to be sincere?

How does everyone else make it seem so easy?

Feel Like Writing A Country Song

2006-09-11T22:23:00.000-06:00

I feel like writing a country song,
But nobody has died,
Not that I know of.

The car broke down,
Who knows if there was even a girl to begin with,
It's been a intraspective evening.

I can't play the guitar,
I don't have a band,
So there's not gonna be any music.

I felt like writing a country song,
But I don't think there is enough to go on...

Besides...

I hate country music.

Patience Tested

2006-09-05T23:06:00.000-06:00

If there was ever a sense of dementia,
I'm pretty sure I've psyched myself out.

Cause and reaction will go hand in hand,
My causes make for poor reactions.

I'm probably over-reacting,
Or I was probably over-reacting yesterday.

I may have pushed too hard,
When I was doing so well standing still.

Damned if I do,
Damned if I don't.

It's never going to come on a silver platter,
So I might as well give'er a go.

Anxiousness...
What a bitch.

Only By Streetlight, Pt. 4

2006-08-24T23:10:00.000-06:00

I want to escape this life
To get away from here
From now.

This world isn't meant for me
I don't have my own reasons to be here
I don't have a desire to follow the rules.

Get me out
I'll bring someone with me
We'll leave soon.

Only By Streetlight, Pt. 3

2006-08-24T23:07:00.000-06:00

You know why I drink?
It's so I don't think.
I depress easy
This is my sober moment.
I might not sleep easy
I'll probably think too much.
I'll write a bit tonight
I already have.
This moment is mine
It's not lost.
It's here.
This moment fills the sheet,
Instead of the glass.

Only By Streetlight, Pt. 2

2006-08-24T23:05:00.000-06:00

I don't have
Anything clever to say
Anything original to do.

I would just like
To have you here
And we'll see where it goes.

I haven't been
Drinking tonight
Or not thinking of you.

I could really use
You here next to me
Wanting to be here.

Only By Streetlight, Pt. 1

2006-08-24T23:01:00.000-06:00

Fresh rain
OJ from a can
New hoodie
The front porch
Thinking of you.

A few tunes
Crisp air
Summer's ending.

I write
In very little light
I want to dance with you
The city as a backdrop
What a picture.

Myself

2006-06-16T00:47:00.000-06:00

I wanna be me.

I want to be the stand-up guy.
I want to be the guy with principles.
I want to do the things I say I'm gonna do.
I want people to believe in me.

I wanna be me.

Forgotten Again

2006-06-04T23:28:00.000-06:00

Forgotten again.

The time I waste waiting,
The phone that doesn't ring,
The plans they fizzle,
And something sinks inside.

I call,
No one picks up.
I expect a call,
And no one dials.

I don't know if I want too much,
Not enough.
Do I live up to expectations,
Or fall flat?

Isn't it possible,
For that small bit of courtesy?
You can't come,
You won't be able to make it.

Forgotten again .

Unsent Text #1

2006-05-28T23:45:00.000-06:00

Red light, green light.
To go or to stop.
Whether its bad or its good to go.
Still no or possibly yes.
It could be big or it shrinks away.
Its becoming time to find out again.

A Seat At Your Table

2006-05-22T22:46:00.000-06:00

The time,
It passes,
It does funny things,
But it doesn't make me want you any less.

I adore you,
But I can't see you,
Until I try and forget you,
And then the cycle starts again.

I sit down and talk to you,
We chat like the best of friends,
A natural only bettered by the forest,
And I'm scared to harm it.

You told me once,
That it wasn't the right time,
I didn't want to lose the thought of you,
So I sit and wait to give me the okay.

Time in between,
Can be long and far apart,
Every time we meet,
Seems like the first time repeated.

I want to try,
Try to have a second time,
Where we don't have to catch up,
And just continue on.

I don't know if you're trying to get closer,
I don't know if you're trying to see each other,
I don't know what's goin' on,
But when I know...

When I know...
I will make you feel wanted,
Make you feel needed,
Make you feel safe.

I want to support,
Your dreams,
Your desires,
And your cares.

I want the thoughts of uncertainty,
To disappear,
To vanish,
To be cleaned away from doubt.

Not Yet

2006-01-30T22:23:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to resist
It shouldn't really happen
I don't even know for sure.

It's a good thing
Not knowing keeps me from falling
Too far from too much.

Question: If I was to express myself, would I scare you away?

2005-02-21T22:54:00.000-07:00

You’ve gotten me to write again
You’ve got me up thinking
about you
about what we could be
about who we are

I want to show you
what’s in my head
what’s in my heart
what’s on the piece of paper

I come on a little strong
But I have nothing
except good intentions
except patience
except a little bit of hope

A Pawn in a Game of Ches

2003-08-22T00:50:00.000-06:00

I can’t believe
That I stand here
The only one that feels…

You don’t believe
In love
Like I don’t believe
In God

What’s not to believe?
Its happiness
Its sadness
Its joy
Its madness

It’s unfortunate
How a feeling
Can suddenly disrupt freedom…

We were free
To do what we wanted
We did what we wanted

We were close
Close on the couch
Close to each other
Now I can’t throw a ball to you
You’re so far away
Distant

I still see you in me
But you walking away
Is the picture
Seared painfully in me

Saying that I care
Won’t be enough
Saying that I feel
Has obviously made you go

Mesmerized

2002-04-15T17:17:00.000-06:00

People see you.
People see you smile.

They see what you wear,
They notice how you act.

Can they see what you feel in your eyes?
Can they find you when you’re up?
Can they catch you when you’re falling?

It’s easy to see the person in front of you.
It’s easy to judge them,
It’s easy to place them on a pedestal,
But when does the dream end?

There are places that you should be at.
There are places that you wish you were at.
There are places that I wish you were at.
Happiness comes in the strangest of places.

The magic of the atmosphere surrounds you.
The magic of the evening embraces you.
And the dreams of Neverland whisk you away into sleep.

Evenings without the bustle of downtown are just for you.
Evenings with the gasp of clean air are saved for you.
Evenings of spring come forward to please you.
So graciously, you wish you could share.

You spin around and wish for a present.
You twirl around and wish you can fly.
You turn your head and look for that someone.
Where?

Capital Girl

2001-07-12T21:03:00.000-06:00

She is my capital girl…
She’s on the other end of the line…
When I want her on the other side of the room.

She has already spoken volumes…
Of life, love and everything in between…
Between the ‘whatever and the what not.’

As she speaks to me…
I can feel pages of my very own book…
Begin to open up…
For all the world to read.

I keep pages of my book…
Folded in my pocket…
For that eventual meeting…
With my capital girl.

She already knows what is on those pages…
But it is something that is better to have…
Then to have thought about…
Or talked about.

Being as far away as she is…
She somehow has managed to be…
Special.

It’s amazing how the mind wraps around…
The goodness of someone else…
Around and around…
‘til the heart has seen all the boundaries.

She continues to amaze…
As looks inside her…
And I poke my head around…
To take a little peek.

She has a simple grace…
That slides along the path…
Not leaving a footprint in the snow…
No one even knows I have…

That capital girl.

A Mistress

2001-05-26T21:03:00.000-06:00

A mistress to the highest degree…
A flirt even to the likes of me…
Legs for as long as the eyes can see…
Refined just enough for that cup of tea.

Oh, what am I talking about?

She’s a girl so far away…
Only contacted from a distance…
I can’t even see her face today…
Communication is as limited like an allowance.

We speak candidly about being together…
We speak wildly about times that have been…
My jokes of her wearing leather…
And her curses were enough to qualify as sin.

She’s ever so sweet to be my friend…
She’s ever so sweet to be here with me…
She’d stay put until the end…
And I’d show her all I could be.

And You Get Me - Part 1

2001-04-15T21:02:00.000-06:00

I don’t think it could have been quicker…
I don’t think it could have happened with anyone else…
And I’m pretty sure,
It would be hard to see it happen again.

You get me.
You understand.

It was only a matter of moments,
Before the store closed…
Before we quipped our sarcasm…
Before we made up our stories…
And already had an unspoken agreement.

You had me there…
Laughing to our understanding.

The language of a generation,
Spoken in song…
Spoken in film…
Spoken to each other,
As the hours roll on.

We had plans with each other…
With more intentions to understand.

We went out for evenings for weeks,
Walkin’ around downtown…
Drivin’ around the whole town…
Sittin’ and enjoyin’…
Our present company.

We had each other there…
Havin’ ourselves a whole lot of fun.

Hate Me Before You Go

2001-01-12T00:58:00.000-07:00

I want you to hate me,
And hate me,
And hate me some more,
Just so I can't feel anything for you anymore.

I write you this letter,
Days before I know that you are going to leave,
I want you to hate me now,
Just so I can't feel you when you're gone.

I know when you go,
You'll never try to communicate,
So I don't want to lose a friend,
I'd rather lose someone who hates me.

It didn't take you long to open the envelope,
And the words start to fade,
On the letter I wrote,
Saying how much I'd want to be with you,
And how I'm saying good-bye.
Don't say see you soon,
Just say good-bye.

Don't look back at me,
You can't offer what I want,
Don't give me hope,
When I don't want to feel you at all.

So I slip this envelope onto your desk,
The day that you go,
The day that you want to say 'see you later',
When I know it's going to be good-bye.

And when you leave through those big black doors,
You'll be away in a big city,
Never to be seen,
Or heard from again.

It didn't take you long to open the envelope,
And the words start to fade,
On the letter I wrote,
Saying how much I'd want to be with you,
And how I'm saying good-bye.
Don't say see you soon,
Just say good-bye.

Say good-bye.
Say good-bye.
Good-bye.

A Devil Inside

2000-12-07T21:01:00.000-07:00

Do I have devils in my head?
Am I feared for my devilish appearance?
Are the horns a dead give-away?
Will you burn to talk to me?

Run to save your soul,
From that image in your head,
And the belief in your judgement,
Run from your beliefs.

Your beliefs will re-appear,
In other Devil people,
You'll never be free,
If you continue to believe.

Tears Into Blood

2000-11-15T21:01:00.000-07:00

I couldn't help thinking about you,
Before we had even met,
And I was thinking about you,
For a long time afterwards.

Yourself being what you are,
Was enough to have me interested,
In learning about who you think you are,
And who you want to learn to be.

And it was sad when you left and said nothing,
The tears would slowly run down my face.
Now after quite a while you return,
It hurts so much to re-discover, it bleeds.

Another Lost Cause

2000-11-08T21:00:00.000-07:00

Who is gonna eat
This shit
I feel like
Tonite?

Not her.
Not him.
You'd be hard pressed
To find anyone.

Who is gonna put
The smile
Back on my face
Tomorrow?

That guy won't.
No chance in hell.
She wouldn't
Do it either.

Is anyone
Even listenin'
To me
In the first place?

Hearing no evil
Seeing no good
And speaking the words
Everyone wants to hear.

It's too late
For you
To save me.
Save yourself.

Hey There Pretty Girl

2000-11-05T20:57:00.000-07:00

Hey there pretty girl,
You don’t need him,
When those beautiful smiles,
Turn into frowns.

Hey there pretty girl,
He only uses you,
To get closer to those,
Who will only laugh you down.

He gets himself ahead,
With a pretty face at his side,
Pleasing your animal needs,
But that isn’t your only side.

In what you find as love,
He knows as convenience,
And your heart is left standing,
Out there in the cold.

And as the circus rolls into town,
You are close beside him,
Only for him to reach into your chest,
And pull out your heart.

He waits for the elephants to pass,
And he throws your heart out,
Only to be trampled,
So he wouldn’t have to fulfill it.

He’ll pump you full of kids,
And you’re his forever,
Or until he’s done,
And you’re left with the litter.

Don’t believe me?
It’s happened before,
A different couple,
A different time.

I don’t want that to happen to you,
I want you to find a good one,
Or find me,
Who sees your heart in the cold,
And lets it sit by their fire.

A New Muse

2000-09-06T22:52:00.000-06:00

She sends my heart a flutter,
A new muse to lay my eye upon.

She is so animated and passionate,
Her smile beams illustrious beauty,
Her eyes speak more than a thousand words,
And her features are accented by personality.

A smile and wave sends me through the roof,
Time between visits is left to think about her,
Just waiting for my chance to shine,
Soon enough.

A Great Treasure

2000-08-30T20:56:00.000-06:00

A great treasure,
Your smile is to me,
From being overly appealing to look at,
To being worth so much in the long run.

I know you and me,
We don’t smile as much as we should,
But if we fed off more time together,
We can smile a whole lot more.

With you right here,
You can be the cure to my loneliness,
And I being next to you,
You can trust me to be what you need.

Best friends we can be,
And great people together,
To smile and enjoy,
What time we spend together.

Another Day

2000-08-07T20:55:00.000-06:00

Don’t feel like reading,
Only feel like writing.
Because I’m tired of singing,
And all I’m doing is waiting.

My face sunburnt red,
My nose makes me look like Rudolph,
And my forehead looks terrible,
Lots of lotions to help me out.

The music plays,
As I sit outside,
There was a rainbow,
A little while ago.

I’m too lazy to make dinner,
And my company should be returning,
More sooner than later,
And they just might bring something with them.

The clouds are big from my balcony,
Breaking the blue sky,
Not letting the sun down,
And teasing with the idea of rain.

A branch broken below,
From the ratty old tree behind the fence,
Sounds emulating from the building across the way,
And the time just flies by on another long weekend.

And here I write,
For the sake of keeping myself busy,
Waiting for something new and exciting,
To call or arrive.

My two patio chairs are what I sit on,
Comfortable for plastic,
And they point me in the direction,
Of the sun now breaking through.

Comfortability is an artform,
That I try to master,
In all the spare time in the world,
For me and no one else.

I notice my thoughts are pouring out,
In one giant rant,
Not making much sense for you,
But this seems to be working for me.

It just seems to be,
A good time killer,
To write anything I want,
In as much space as I want.

No one to say put a period
Here.
And no one to say put a period
There.

I can type anything I like,
Much to the chagrin of someone,
I’m sure,
But I dance a cocky little dance.

The neighbours stir around their car below,
A crappy little piece of shit,
But he still drives it like it purrs,
Like a kitten of course.

I can smell the gas come up from above,
As he pulls out of his stall,
Out to pollute the world,
With that old rust bucket.

The air freshens now that he’s gone,
And I look up to find two guys,
On another balcony,
Looking at the sunburnt kid with a laptop on his balcony.

Green leaves.
A little bird on the branch with green leaves,
Flies to the ground,
To inspect the rocks below.

Flying away,
After sensing my wandering eye upon it,
And now nothing really catches my eye,
For the time being.

Hit the save button before you forget,
Save it with a good name,
No, not that,
That’s a stupid name.

Oh well, it was up to you,
I think to myself too much,
Wouldn’t you say?
I would.

I think that bird is back,
Playing around a little pine,
Hiding from my wandering eye,
But it’ll be back.

All this rambling is making no sense,
I’m thinking I might as well stop,
For the sake of you the reader,
And the keyboard for being mercilessly being pushed.

Untitled, yet again...

2000-08-04T20:54:00.000-06:00

Tonight, I question the number of hours,
I have put in to everyone.
A little self-doubt on the rocks,
Served with a bowl of the finest emptiness.

Every night that I feel this way,
I have to downsize my expectations,
Of life and people,
And soon the downsizing will make out to be nothing.

So little to hope for,
And nothing to expect when you do hope,
Leads me to be more jaded,
And the more jaded means the more cut-off.

It will be hard to convince me of what is good in the world,
When all I get is indifference,
Indifference and disappointment,
Disappointment and loneliness.

A sob story that can describe me to a tee,
Still so young as so virile,
And nobody chooses to run with me,
To see where I can take them.

Funny, eh?

Fly Angel

2000-08-03T20:54:00.000-06:00

To my Angel,
Who’s afraid to fly,
Way up high,
With all of her Angel counterparts.

Your feet,
Too good for the ground,
Which is too hard,
Not to mention the long distance.

The fear you have,
Of the being in the sky so blue,
Hopefully will be suppressed,
With the thoughts of your arrival.

Only the Angels,
Who have nothing to fly to,
Will fall to the ground,
In a fiery glory.

Rest assured,
Your arrival will have everything,
You wanted to come to,
And even a whole lot more.

Angel Fire

2000-07-31T20:53:00.000-06:00

An Angel,
So bold and so true,
Looked upon high,
By many a people.

No one has ever seen her,
But everyone knows she exists,
And the sweetness of her soul,
Carries for miles from her solitary position.

To have touched so many,
With only her words,
No touch or feel,
And speaking to few.

But doubts cloud her paradise,
Because some don’t believe,
Her Angelic presence isn’t enough,
To sway others to her light.

And how this troubles the Angel,
Taking her away from those,
Who believe her,
Without even seeing her.

Everyone down below,
Need the Angel to be happy,
To know her smile upon them,
And all of who believe know themselves worthy.

So, to the Angel I plea,
To keep your head up,
Your smile beaming,
And what you need will come when you need it most.

A Turn to the Left

2000-07-27T20:52:00.000-06:00

Can you hear my hollowed voice?
Can you hear it through this hollow box?

This is my voice,
Hollowed out and misshapen,
To the point of disbelief.

I want you to believe,
The words in my voice,
The emotion in my voice,
And the feeling that you get when you hear me.

I can be what you need,
And my voice,
Can be your pillow,
So you can sleep peacefully.

Wrap it up with ribbons and bows,
A prize you can have,
And a prize that is yours,
If you would only ask.

My voice was never used,
To the capacity that it’s good for,
Nobody ever tried to get this prize,
So it’s left unwrapped, waiting.

This doubt you have,
Is nothing new to me,
It has been something I have seen,
And something I saw it to pass.

Doubt leads to limited chances,
And limited chances is all I ever had,
Limited to zero,
And limited to nothing.

And when you know only nothing,
Something is new,
Something is bold,
Something could be scary.

My voice talks to myself,
When there is nothing around,
And voice is unused,
When nothing plays around.

The nothing turns to something,
When it is put into words,
And the words only mean nothing,
When there is something else to think about.

Friends??

2000-07-18T20:50:00.000-06:00

The one who works hard to keep his promises,
The one who keeps them happy,
The one who has already given up so much for friends,
But the one overlooked in the end.

Like a gas station in the middle of nowhere,
Needed and helpful for a period of time,
But the people you have helped,
Leave and never look back.

The recognition of effort,
Never pans out into anything more,
Than a picture in a book,
Or a drunken memory lost among others.

No one cares for the utility person,
Who makes them laugh,
Buys a round of drinks,
And gets left at the end of the night.

You look at his open door,
Smile and walk away,
Knowing what is inside to be great,
But still you walk on by.

And when it’s all said and done,
The people who are there now,
Become better people because of him,
And find new people to leave him in a pile of dust.

And have you looked at a pile of dust,
In all of it’s loneliness,
The disregarded pieces of skin and hair,
To be swept up and thrown away?

But still he plugs along for others,
New people he gives to,
To help for a little bit more,
Optimistic to the bitter, very bitter end.

But he grows institutionalized,
Only knowing the lonliness of the night,
The cold stare of an empty bed, empty apartment,
Waiting through another night, to start another day.

His skies grow cold,
The snow falls on his nose,
The tears freeze quickly,
And the friends he made melt away when the sun comes out.

Maybe the weatherman will see some sun,
And the blue skies will reign,
And the friends that he made won’t matter,
Because there might be new people in his life.

Her

2000-07-05T17:47:00.000-06:00

It’s felt like an eternity,
Not being able to touch, feel or smell her.

Living with others who recognize my presence,
But don’t feel me either.

Being able to help those,
But the hole in my soul is still deep.

I feel like Angel walking among those,
Even though I don’t believe.

If I was to meet her,
I don’t know what I am supposed to feel.

I want to reach out and touch her,
She knows I am touching, but does she ‘feel’ me?

If she looked deep into me,
Looked deep into who I am,
Touch her heart,
So she sees me in new light,
Not touching but feeling.

That’s all I need,
Someone to feel me,
Feel me through and through,
Just I like I do, standing before her now.

She is so perfect in her glory,
And her imperfections that make her who she is,
I want to feel that feeling,
That she feels the same way.

We’ll make our own cities,
Live our own lives,
For each other,
For the feeling we should never lose.

When she rubs my arm,
When she cozies up to me in front of a fire,
When we sit and share ourselves,
Through the nights of silence,
The feeling will never go away,
It shall never pass.

All I want is her,
To describe her like a muse,
When she inspires my energy,
To want to be with her more.

I don’t want her to be scared,
I never want her to feel alone,
I won’t let her be lost,
I don’t want her not to be loved.

This is all I ask,
I would give anything to be with her only once,
To see her see me,
To feel her feel me.

Anything,
Anything at all.

A Disclaimer

2000-06-20T17:47:00.000-06:00

I don’t want you to think that I am someone I’m not,
I still have the cluttered mess,
I have that aroma of tomato and garlic sauce,
Mixed with a little bit of Juicy Fruit.

I love to laugh a lot,
I can have as much fun as the next guy,
Without the drugs and the drinks,
Even though it would seem that I had a little of both.

But if you choose to dig a little deeper,
Where the ground is soft and pliable,
You’ll find a whole lot more,
That isn’t advertised on the surface.

Think of this introduction,
As the disclaimer of my life,
This is me,
Deal with it.

Personal Revelation

2000-05-19T17:46:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the nightmare,
The nightmare that I lead,
The life that I live,
Is the nightmare I don’t want to believe.

I look beside me,
At the other side of the bed,
To find that the comforter covers,
The empty section reserved for the person who isn’t there.

The loveseat for two,
Is occupied by one,
One with wishes for two,
But fear for many.

A clever selection process,
Maybe,
Fear of rejection,
Of course.

If she doesn’t look into me,
Why should I look into her,
Especially if the feeling is supposed to be mutual,
For something special to arise.

It’s not that I have failed before,
But it isn’t like I ever succeed either,
Nothing has ever happened,
For the good or the bad.

Trouble may have been saved,
But experience was never gained,
Life is pretty easy to lead,
When there is nothing to impede the process.

You Were Just a Waste Of My Time

2000-05-17T17:45:00.000-06:00

Wouldn’t have thought it to be true,
The day that I met you,
That today I would say,
I should have looked the other way,
If I was to know what was to be,
When you asked “would you walk with me?”

Could you believe I actually thought,
That everything I did went all for not,
And the time spent to listen,
Has now gone missin’,
Lost forever to oblivion,
Oh what it could have been.

The flirting style you portrayed,
Made me feel a little betrayed,
Or even punished for being there,
And then left with just a blank stare,
Back into my hole I would go,
Until it was time to go back into the workflow.

You made a mockery of who I am,
Just by relaying another problem,
You knew I would be there for you,
Anytime and anywhere too,
Using and abusing,
Made me feel I was always losing.

Your beliefs were a tease,
And nothing made me at ease,
You were completely vague,
As if no one was in your league,
And you said so much to run from yard to yard,
Would be believe the fall from grace was hard.

A complete waste of time is what you led,
Is the least I could have said,
There could be a lot more to be,
Done and made see,
When you thought it was all fun,
Now look what it has done.

Appeal of an Addict

2000-01-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

What can I say?
I’m addicted to you.
No ill effects yet,
So I’ll continue to be addicted to you.

I thought I kicked the habit,
Of thinking of you,
As I immerse myself deeper,
In the image of you.

A pseudo-you pasted on my wall,
In my heart,
Filling the temporary void,
Reserved for you.

I tell everyone,
It’s the pseudo-you I am after,
But inside,
The truth holds dear.

When I finally saw you again,
I found my will power spent,
I think of you now,
All the more, like I used to.

I want to find a way,
To be close,
Closer to you,
So there is a chance of something.

I keep relatively quiet,
Hoping that our phone conversations,
Cleverly give me away,
Like a kid back in high school.

And I know,
There is nothing that can be done,
Since we are 500 miles away,
But I would sure like to try.

Anything bluntly said,
Would probably result in fear,
Disbelief in my approach,
Or ex-communication.

I don’t want it to happen,
But I would like you to know,
Just how I feel now,
To know you feel something.

See You Again

1999-12-21T17:44:00.000-07:00

I don’t know about you,
But time actually began to fly by,
When I finally was over the fact,
That you weren’t around me.

I came to look at my life,
In a perspective that,
We weren’t gonna build,
On what we started.

And only eighteen months later,
We find the opportunity,
To catch a glimpse of each other,
And spend time together.

The cliché stands,
You never know what you have,
Until it is gone,
Or we’re both gone for that matter.

I guess I can’t say I had you,
But I believe it could have been,
If the cards were in our favor,
And maybe one day they will be.

Allow me to work my magic,
And the illusion of hope will follow through,
If we both wish for the same thing,
It can happen.

This could be quite the fairy tale,
You play the princess,
And I could be the peasant player,
And sparks fly and evil to keep us apart.

I would climb the wall,
Cut through the deadly forest,
Slay the dragon,
Just to find you again.

Oh, what I wouldn’t do,
If the chance was right,
Or even if the chance was wrong,
With you in behind, it doesn’t matter.

No Comparison

1999-12-10T17:44:00.000-07:00

Don't compare me,
To whomever you search for,
That seems to be like me,
Because I am not like that person.

How would you know,
That you're comparison,
Has lived the same life as I,
And written in the same frame of mind as I?

I chose to be who I am,
And not to be someone else.
If someone uses the same words,
Doesn't mean they are me.

I never studied literature,
In hopes I would carve myself out,
From the large block of clay,
And the simple tools of perception.

No matter who they might be,
Or who you might know,
Don't spread the light across us both,
In the idea that we're alike.

I never studied,
I probably won't be studied.
I read from the famous,
But I don't think I will be famous.

For that is who I am,
Who I choose to be,
And how I want to be treated,
All I ask, is for you to respect that.

Point

1999-11-15T17:43:00.000-07:00

The smell of fabric softener,
It isn’t a high,
It isn’t a summer breeze.

The end of days,
Isn’t the end of the world,
But the sky during sunset.

Effects aren’t special,
They’ll just be done,
Over and over again.

Life is absolute,
In a fleeting glance,
Of how many days.

Love isn’t forever,
Unless the family left behind,
Prospers in the ancestors shadows.

Anything with more than 4 legs,
Isn’t creepy except,
From the point of view of an amoeba.

Efficient use of time,
Is making yourself happy,
By any means possible.

Observations

1999-11-14T17:42:00.000-07:00

Observation is my tool,
Of the social values,
Of the beings we call people,
And the blindness they have.

I know myself,
To listen and help others.
To offer my time to others,
As it was on sale.

A sign on my head,
That reads in bold letters,
“I’m here for you,
Anywhere and anytime.”

And at the end of the day,
Those people sleep comfortably,
Knowing that they have talked,
About what was bothering them.

But my evenings are not the same,
All full of loneliness and cowardliness,
Grief-stricken by the fact,
That I cannot help it.

Some days there is gratitude,
At best, there is little.
Other days there is none,
And I would continue in stride.

Then there are days,
Where I want to reach out.
For someone to hold onto,
And they’d confuse me.

Such confusion,
That turns into another depression,
Of when I’ve lost that one,
And in darkness I lie.

Thinking of how cruel,
Life is to me,
In the sense of relating to people,
And the way they relate to me.

Such interest is taken,
Onto the words that I say,
But the meaning of them all,
Is not seen or long forgotten.

Such little purpose I have,
For myself in general,
Because no one is here for me,
And if they are,
They’ll soon be gone.

Porcupine Heart

1999-11-11T17:15:00.000-07:00

At birth,
The heart is beautiful,
When its innocence,
Makes it seem so naked.

Through the years,
The playfulness of childhood,
Makes it grow stronger,
But it still remains naked.

Being a child is so easy,
Kids will be kids,
They play and they laugh,
No affairs or loves.

School,
A place for learning,
About life and knowledge,
The first crush.

A little cute girl,
As innocent as yourself,
Standing there in the light,
She catches your eye and you're taken.

Time goes by,
Spent looking at the this apple,
Only for your eyes,
Such a wonderful time.

You both grow a little older,
School becomes mature,
A school dance is here,
Now is your time to shine.

A deep breath,
Your first step,
Confidence is spilling over,
Ask her, ask her.

No.
Simple and straight forward,
Like a jab to the jaw,
But a pain that doesn't subside.

The first needle into the heart,
Pierced in through the skin,
Dug deep enough to stay,
Afraid to pull it out.

A sad time to overcome,
After so much time,
Thinking of how great she is,
But look at her now.

You can't do it,
But now it's happened the first time,
Probably not the last time,
But it's over now.

In a sad state,
Your vulnerable eyes,
Find another angel,
And your heart is the first to follow.

This time it'll be different,
You won't waste time,
You'll jump at the chance,
And you won't fail.

And you don't,
You approached with more care,
Being yourself,
She seems interested.

Time spent after school,
The walks to and from the park,
A flower picked from the neighbour's garden,
What a wonderful time.

Who was to say,
She would find another,
But you have to admit,
You're both young and things change.

And she was the one that left you,
After so much fun,
And this needle had friends,
To join the lonely first needle.

Your heart is punctured again,
And it hurts.
It hurts more than the first time,
And this makes you think a lot longer.

The first love,
Is the hardest to give up,
And you don't want it to end,
But did you believe it would last?

High school is almost over,
Girls have come and gone,
Each one that you leave or has left,
Has gotten easier.

The needle don't hurt anymore,
It turns into a collection,
Spread around it,
So different from when you were born.

Everything seems to be going fine,
You have good friends around you,
School is going great,
But then it hits you like a train.

There she is.
Finally, she could be the one,
That could last longer than a week.
You just have to know.

You've never seen her before,
She's new to the school,
And she'll graduate with you.
So beautiful on the outside.

You have to talk to her,
So another familiar deep breath,
A shot of courage and a naivete chaser.
Here you go.

She's wonderful,
Not only on the outside,
But on the inside,
And you both seem to be made for each other.

It must have been when,
Your eyes met,
And the conversation was easy,
It was completely natural.

And a heart,
With needles a plenty,
Can still find something great,
Outside of its piercings.

And what it has found,
Is someone who is tremendous.
A perfect fit,
An apparent soulmate.

The winter of the senior year,
Can't freeze what you have with her.
A wonderful Christmas,
Time spent out at the pond.

The spring arrives,
The snow melts at your feet,
The love starts to blossom,
Graduation is soon.

She is to you,
Like the earrings to her.
You are to her,
Like the laces to your shoes.

Words like inseparable,
Are heard throughout the halls,
The streets are buzzing,
This is for real.

Now the needles of the past,
Are starting to wiggle themselves free.
You begin to forget your past,
And concentrate on your present.

The look in her eyes hasn't changed,
The warmth in your heart is still there.
Graduation is upon you,
And everything comes naturally.

All the preparations are a snap,
Written like a child's book,
So easy to follow,
And a happy ending.

And prom night comes,
You in your sharp tuxedo,
Ready to pick your sweetheart,
Who prepares herself for the evening.

You arrive at her door,
And there she is.
In all of her beauty,
In the most fairy tale dress you've ever seen.

The look she gives you,
As she walks down the stairs,
Takes all the pain in your heart away,
And the needles fall to the floor.

You take her hand,
And lift her upon your cloud,
Show her your heaven,
Give her your heart.

Your lady and yourself,
Dance the night away,
Into the new hours of the next day,
Close together.

All beautiful evenings,
Have to come to an end.
The music fades itself out,
And right then it is over.

The wee hours of the morning,
Are still at hand,
For the two angels,
Sharing a piece of their heaven.

A new love is discovered,
A short-term bliss for both,
Naked as the day they started,
Happy as the day they met.

And what seems to be a stronger heart,
With all the needles removed,
There is no fear of hurt or pain,
When you and the lady stay the same.

But even the best of cities,
Have lines of fault,
A weakness soon to be exploited,
And a danger not to be forgotten.

Months pass by,
The relationship grows thicker,
Love and respect walk hand in hand,
And a mutual bond of life forms.

Hand in hand,
The couple take life on,
Now that high school has passed,
And new challenges arise.

With new challenges,
Comes more thought,
With more thought,
Comes less feeling.

Love takes a back seat,
And passion gets thrown in the trunk,
Respect takes the wheel,
And the future is a long winding road.

Without love being the navigator,
Everything gets lost,
But not in the eyes,
Of the faithful lovers.

You think you feel the same as before,
When you first start your romance,
But a different life is at hand,
And the past is just a faded memory.

The tough times come and go,
But finally she has had enough,
There is something terribly wrong,
And she doesn't feel the same anymore.

The long-term effects,
Tremor through your heart,
And the lines begin to crack,
Revealing what proves to be the magnet of pain.

In one large eruption of sorrow,
The needles fly back into your heart,
Joined by many others,
It is now a porcupine heart.

You fell hard to the floor,
You run into the walls,
To see if the pain,
Could drown the sorrow of loss.

The darkness of the night,
The rain that falls from the sky,
Makes you happy,
For some depressing reason.

Oh, to see another day you cry,
You contemplate life once again,
She has left you for good,
And you don't want to try again.

The needles are in as deep as they can go,
Couldn't pass through a metal detector,
The man of an iron heart,
Has now found a large hole in his soul.

Arrogant Bastard!

1999-10-24T17:41:00.000-06:00

Go ahead,
Yeah, that’s it.
Look at me like that,
See if I care.

A quiet laugh,
As I shrug you off,
Like flakes of snow,
Fallen on my jacket.

I don’t give a fuck,
Look at me.
Into my eyes,
And realize that.

Curse at me,
Call me a name,
Yeah, just like that.
Ha, you’re great when you’re angry.

Does it annoy you,
That I stand here chuckling,
On your behalf,
Because I find you funny.

If only I could care less,
I probably would.
Does that bother you too?
Alright, I’ll keep goin’.

Oh no! Don’t flip me the bird!
I’m shaking.
Sarcasm is wonderful.
What does the middle finger mean anyway?

Your face is a nice shade of red,
The vein in your forehead is amazing,
Is that smoke,
Coming out of your ears?

What!?!
Do you think,
That I think,
That I could be tough?

No.
Tough has nothing to do with it,
Nothing at all.
I am not tough.

I still will laugh last,
Every measure will be taken,
To ensure it,
Oh yes.

You’re a big fellow,
Bigger than I,
My crap doesn’t need to be kicked hard,
For it to come out.

But ask yourself this,
Am I worth your time,
For a few moments of release,
On a jackal like myself?

Ha ha ha ha ha,
Think hard my friend,
Ha ha ha…

BANG!

Ha ha ha ha ha,
You are so fucked,
As the darkness comes upon me,
You are so fucked!

Lighted Interest

1999-10-10T17:40:00.000-06:00

Stand still.
Stand right there.
Turn around,
And let me see your back.

The light hit you without intensity,
On your front,
And your back,
Yet you are clearly defined.

I don’t want to blink,
Can’t miss a second.
I don’t want to walk away,
Can’t miss anytime for that matter.

Walk towards me slowly,
I’ll watch as the light changes,
As it shifts across your plain,
And enlightens me further.

Stop again,
You’ve walked into a new light,
With the color green spilling from it,
And you beauty shines through.

The green accents you,
The color defines your curves,
More seductively than white light,
And more generously than the dark.

Walk a little to your right,
And into the blue light.
This light is bold,
Makes you so sad.

Quickly you change direction,
Didn’t want despair,
Couldn’t stand it in the blue,
So you look up to find new light.

Sadly, there are only two colors,
And so you go gladly back,
To the natural light,
That makes you… you.

We stand in awe of each other,
The music comes on,
Slowly, the volume comes on,
Interest is aroused.

You look down to your feet,
Realize your shoes aren’t for dancing,
So you kick them off,
And urge me to do the same.

I release my feet from my shoes,
And there we are,
Barefooted and happy,
We gaze into each other.

From there on in,
It was like magic,
How we melted together,
Long into the night.

My Truth

1999-10-10T17:39:00.000-06:00

I wish that I could see you now,
There is something important that I would like to say.
If you could hear me out right now,
It would really make my day.

In the short period of time that we've known each other,
And the very little time spent together,
I have told you much of what I felt,
And you still float away like a feather.

I have offered you much of me,
Yet you backed away,
And I'm left here to ponder why you left,
But it only gives me more things to say.

Look into my truthful blue eyes,
Look hard and believe me,
What I am offering might not be what you want now,
But what I have for you is what you are going to need.

I will understand if you left,
Your priorities aren't set,
And you aren't sure if this is the thing,
That you want to reach up and get.

We might not have too much to ride on here,
Our conversations have been rather dry,
But before when I saw the real you,
I then knew for sure that you were worth a try.

I know myself to be a very picky person,
When it comes to finding someone great.
I make my judgements from the heart,
And very rarely does it ever seem to deteriorate.

And when my heart picked you,
Then my eyes did nothing but agree,
I opened up my mind and everything spilled out,
Leaving myself wide open for only you to see.

What I've shown you,
And what you have comprehended,
Seems to have put you in awe,
Because no one has ever done it for you beforehand.

But don't analyze the situation much,
All you need to know is that it'll work if you need,
The fine details will be ironed out,
And happiness is the plant that you seed.

Interrogation

1999-10-06T17:39:00.000-06:00

Look around yourself, darling,
What do you choose to see?
And in your state of mind,
Do you see anything important?

Do you know who loves you,
Who respects you,
Who cares for you,
And anyone else who knows you?

Can you look at a person,
And know they are indifferent,
Towards you, me or anyone,
That they don’t know?

Look good and hard,
Then come back to me with the answer,
And I’ll see your perspective,
Through your judgement.

Questions?

1999-10-06T17:38:00.000-06:00

For whom do I owe the honor to,
For me to feel like such shit,
In these times of sitting alone,
With nowhere to go?

Is it you?

Your choice to leave me where I stand,
At any given point you choose,
Dangling yourself in front of me,
And pulling the prize in a tease.

That isn't what I need,
And if at any point which I did need it,
I could become a children's clown,
And be teased and tormented by them.

Is it me?

Do I just do things as I sit here,
That you don't approve of?
Do I say things that offend you,
But you don't say anything about?

These are things that I wish to know,
I can fix these things,
Be a better person,
And then be something worth mentioning.

Bad luck maybe?

The extreme coincidences that occur,
Each time we plan to do something.
When something looks to be concrete in planning,
Gets shattered like glass in execution.

The chance that there will be a time,
In which we could ever physically be together,
Becomes smaller and smaller,
Without the feedback from you.

Anything else may be going too far,
And I don't want to take any leap I can't land,
Be there to say something to me,
And one day we'll just see.

I want you to take my word,
And give it a try.

Expensive

1999-09-26T22:51:00.000-06:00

I try too hard,
For something that I really want,
And that something that I want,
Is you.

Don't ask me why I try so hard,
Because the answer is you.
Look into the mirror,
And you'll see my million reasons.

I want the chance to impress the impressive,
To obtain the seemingly impossible,
To pay the extremely high price,
To have everything you can give.

Take your freight train,
Barrel into my brick wall,
Open me up,
And just say yes.

To convince would be golden,
To chance is special enough,
A decline would be black,
But a smile is the whole world inside of me.

One...
One time,
One answer,
One heart here in front of you.

Into Us

1999-09-25T22:50:00.000-06:00

I wish there were days,
That I could look into her mind,
And she into mine,
Living joyfully in the comfort of our own thoughts,
As we compensate for each other,
And know exactly what to say.

We can send cells of our body,
Into each other,
Like a link between brains,
To know what we think about each other,
When the time comes,
That we doubt our actions.

We could hold hands forever,
Knowing each other through osmosis,
Having our impulses go to both heads,
And we know what to do,
When we know what emotion fills the air.

We could stare into each others eyes,
Gaze into the wonder of us,
Watch the color of emotion in our sky,
Read it like today's paper,
But this newspaper that we read,
Is nothing but good news.

If only this were true,
If we could be in our heads,
If a piece of us is in us,
If we could hold each other,
Or If we could look into each other,
It would be so easy.

But regardless of how hard it is,
I want to try anyways,
The old fashioned way,
Of just talking,
And I hope that is what you want,
Because I know I want that now.

To You...

1999-09-21T22:50:00.000-06:00

I am not gone,
I'm still here.
You cannot see me now,
Because I am hiding in the shadows,
Of regret? Probably not.

I was moving too fast,
I hoped you'd move just as quick,
I guess not.

When I look back,
I won't look too far.
I know what I saw,
And I know I still see it.

There was great promise in you,
And me,
I believe there still is.

I respected you then,
And I showed it to you in living color.
I respect you now,
And this is why I send this to you,
Because I want to respect you tomorrow,
And days after that.

I respected enough to listen,
I heard every word that you said,
I honored your time,
Tried to play my cards well,
But maybe not enough was spent there.

But when I spoke out to you,
Or asked you a question,
I couldn't help but notice,
There was nothing coming back.

And now all the respect for myself,
Was being lost,
Because I didn't feel that I was giving what you needed,
And that I am falling into failure.

Time seemed to move slower,
But my heart moved faster and faster.
I needed to know,
And the time I gave you seemed to move slower than ever.

What I ask of you now,
Is to look at the door I've left open,
I'm in the next room,
If you are to need more time,
Just yell,
I would be happy to hear your voice.

I hope that I have given you enough of a reason,
To at least say something,
Or give me something that I need to continue.

There will be no hard feelings,
If you have already decided otherwise,
But with the few meeting we've had,
The conversations we've shared,
I know and believe,
That there is something there,
That wouldn't hurt to explore.

A Nervous Audition

1999-09-16T22:49:00.000-06:00

My stomach is turning around in circles,
Faster than a dog chasing his tail.

The butterflies have grown,
Like the rats in New York,
And they are flying faster than a Midwest tornado.

I can't feel my breathing,
I don't know if the air is coming in,
Or out.

The food I try to consume,
Can't make it's way in,
Because you have already taken over.

I'm so full of you,
That you are spilling over into my mind,
Making it go crazy,
Waiting... waiting... waiting.

Don't you trust me,
Do you not believe me,
Do I not show enough respect for you,
Or am I not strong enough?

I put the spotlight on me,
An audition for your heart,
Tell me what to do or to say,
I'll try my best to give you,
What you want,
For this play that you call life.

If I don't make up to your standards,
I'll walk off the stage,
And I'll go.

But my performance will be from the heart,
Everything I have to give,
And for that,
I hope to earn something,
Anything.

Barrage of Emotion

1999-09-15T22:48:00.000-06:00

Your mind,
So precious and true,
Now polluted with thoughts of me,
And the uneasiness I have caused.

It might have be what I feel,
But now I realize you are more important,
Than what I feel,
Even though you are who I feel for.

My mistake has seem to have cost me,
Cost me something great I had before,
And now I don't even know,
What I even have anymore.

I only wish I could climb inside your head,
Know what you are thinking,
And comfort each thought,
With a reason why you should be with me.

But I can't,
So I am left with a defenseless feeling,
Waiting for you to attack my soul,
With a barrage of emotion.

If it is good,
Or it is bad,
You're gonna come hard and fast,
Don't let up because I deserve it.

Hit me,
Hit me as hard as you can,
Just do it,
Don't stop yourself.

Packaged

1999-09-14T22:48:00.000-06:00

If you told me before I started,
That right now I'd be here,
With no one with me,
I don't know how surprised I'd be.

Grab a bat...

Then you told me I had nothing,
Between now and then,
I probably would have laughed,
At the idea of being alone.

Go for it...

People make it look so easy,
Finding someone to care for,
Someone who would cared back,
Regardless of time and place.

Do it, wind up...

And with having nothing,
Came absolutely nothing,
Doing everything except everything,
Being something without something.

No, don't hesitate...

Being alone brings value,
New values of a lonely life,
Like I had a choice,
Or anything to base them on.

Now your major league swing...

New values of a heart,
Still brand new,
In a brand new case,
Of triple-paned plexi-glass.

Unload your feelings...

Through the bat...

Break on through...

Would you know how to,
Treat something that is never been seen?
Or would you know to handle,
What it's gonna give ya?

Again, hit it again...

Do you really want to try?
Is it what you really want?
I will give you what you would want,
'Cause I'm filled with unused energy.

Don't give up, it's yours...

Use something harder...

My shelf life is only so long,
Even something new wastes away,
While still in its package,
So, please let me out!

Break it, break it open...

A crack, you're almost there...

So just do what you feel,
I guarantee to you,
That I can keep up,
And I'll be behind you all the way.

Smash! It's open, it's yours.

I trust you know what to do.

I'm So Confused

1999-09-13T22:47:00.000-06:00

I've gone and done it.
I've confessed to you,
How I feel.

I don't think it was all that strong,
Nor do I believe that is was all wrong.

You smile at me,
Like you were flattered,
And that's all.

A good bounce off of a brick wall,
But I couldn't break through,
To hear what was on the other side.

For some reason,
For self-preservation,
I need to hear that voice on the other side,
To know how you feel.

This beautiful wall,
I've thrown myself at,
And everything I've got,
And very little has comeback.

The responses I have received,
I've enjoyed and taken to heart,
But it can mean anything,
Or it could mean nothing.

I know what I want it to mean,
I just have to hear it from you.

I don't want to doubt you,
And I don't want you to doubt me,
Because I know for sure,
If this can happen,
It'll be great.

Please give me a chance,
Or tell me something,
So I'm not sitting here confused.

I care right now,
And that's all that should matter,
To start something.

Me To You

1999-09-06T22:46:00.000-06:00

And at long last,
I am finally able to see you.
This wonderful person,
On the other end of the line,
Actually in person,
In front of me here.

Just from listening to you,
And reading you before,
I was for certain,
Not to be disappointed,
And I wasn't.

You are as glorious as you seemed,
You are as pretty as I could have imagined,
And right there and then,
I had fallen further down this steep cliff,
Then where I had fallen to before.

I may not have come across this way,
Being as though I held back,
That is just the way I am,
I don't think I could go much faster,
I wanted to see what you were like,
Now that has passed and I would like to continue.

I would like to offer you,
Everything I am.

I am a person who will listen,
To whatever you want to say.

I am a hand that you can hold,
For the times you are in need of help,
Hold as hard as you need,
Cause I am not going to break.

If you need to be held,
For protection or for warmth,
I wouldn't hesitate to do so,
And I'd never want to let go.

Time is nothing to me,
I'm open as late as you need,
A twenty-four seven if you will.

If you need someone to lean on,
In times of sadness,
I have a pair of shoulders to rest on,
You wouldn't even have to ask.

My door is always open,
But if it is locked,
You now have the key to my heart,
Use it if you wish.

All I ask of you,
Is please don't change,
And I won't change on you.

Visible Hidden Treasure

1999-08-31T22:47:00.000-06:00

Don't leave me hanging here,
Dangling here by my toes,
With so much you seem to offer,
And so much you are willing to give.

Patience is a virtue of mine,
I can wait as long as need be.

Anxiety is an affliction,
When patience is wasted.

You intrigue me,
Maybe more than you should,
And it spills over,
Into my everyday thoughts.

I think of you now,
Like a glorious treasure,
With a map in hand,
But with terrible weather above.

Clear my path,
I kindly ask of you,
So I can finally reach,
What I have been looking for.

The Start Of Something

1999-08-31T22:43:00.000-06:00

During the days of an unusual summer,
An evening to be correct.

You and a friend spoke to me,
And for a moment,
Twenty minutes in length,
And then disappeared.

Not much was thought,
Another hello and good-bye,
Not to speak again,
But to be wrong again.

Three suns had passed,
And the mystery of those twenty minutes,
Had returned of another talk,
Of who we are.

And early into this second discussion,
Intrigue of who we are arose,
Being as though we live in the same city,
And things may happen.

The night flew by,
As we talked,
About what is considered necessary,
In such a wonderful manner.

For over an hour,
We seemed to get to know each other,
Enough to inject an idea,
Of meeting each other.

An idea,
In retrospect,
Not taken lightly,
But one to take time in blossoming.

A glorious time spent,
To end with hugz,
And a beautiful phrase,
For now but not forever.

The days went by,
The idea never left,
But the conversations were too casual,
To build on it anymore.

It's a pleasure,
To know when you are on,
I know for sure,
I'm not going to be bored.

And a smile on the screen from you,
Brings a smile to my face,
But my curiosity holds,
To wanting to see the real thing.

Days and nights passed,
Words flashed before our eyes.
We became more accustomed to us,
And the mystery kept growing.

The idea,
Like a candle,
Kept a light flicker,
To let us know that it is still alive.

The talking was a comfort,
A pillow if you will,
Because I think I'm falling,
Falling for something I haven't seen.

And suddenly,
From out of nowhere,
We sort of became good friends,
To the joy of myself.

Step by step,
We grew closer,
And it was only natural,
To take it to the next one.

A call on the phone,
Would be the next best thing,
To hear each others voice,
Would make us grow faster.

But it would have to wait,
Until I returned from a weekend trip,
But I promised to call,
I couldn't wait the whole time.

The weekend had passed,
And I was growing more and more anxious,
As the seconds passed by,
The phone was in my hand.

A promise is a promise,
I'm this far,
I'm not going to back down,
Especially not from you.

Here I am now,
Pushing the buttons,
To attempt a new fate,
Calling out towards you.

The phone rings twice,
The receiver is picked up,
And like the music from an angel,
A hello graces my ear.

It was you,
In all your magnificence,
And like it was meant to be,
Trading our sound over the line.

It was short,
Definitely sweet,
To hear the voice of the one,
Talking to me just with the words.

In that ten minutes,
We both seemed to conceive more of each other,
Than we would have before,
Just from the tone of our voices.

In a matter of days,
It turned from a casual hello,
Into something we can call,
Something special???

To Be Revealed

1999-08-26T17:14:00.000-06:00

Mesmerizing and wonderful.
Yet most of my senses left unused.
I've heard her speak,
And her voice is beautiful.

A calming harmony,
That washes me away.

My imagination,
And the written description,
Are all my eyes have seen.
They are all but disappointed.

Like an angel,
Hidden by the light of the sun,
Only to be revealed,
In due time.

A sight that will be,
Captured forever.

Now I only can get closer,
Step by step,
Inches by inches,
To enable the other senses.

A relief,
For my curiosity.

To be near her,
To finally touch her skin,
Able to smell her hair,
And to taste her presence.

Feelings that cannot,
Come too soon.
A time I now long for,
Soon my time will come.

A magic time,
When our two souls bond.

Your Shadow

1999-08-18T17:14:00.000-06:00

I wish there were a way
That I could change your mind
From this solitary you claim to need.

I understand where you are coming from,
And being alone would be good,
For a good portion of the time.

But there are times in grief,
That I wished that I had someone,
Because being alone is so lonely,
When you need someone to talk to.

This is why I kind of persist myself to you,
For I want to be the shoulder to lean on,
And the ears to listen for you.

I could be your shadow,
I would only be there,
If you purposely turned around,
To look for me.

To know that you still have something there,
And you can rely on it being there.

It's a good state of mind to be in,
To know that someone always cares,
All the time,
Night or day, month or year.

Hard To Smile

1999-08-16T17:13:00.001-06:00

I'm sorry,
But don't you think it's hard,
To smile.

It's hard when everywhere,
Or just an inviting place,
Looks great from a distance,
But turns you away,
For an unbeatable reason,
And you still understand.

It's hard to be happy,
When everything you reach for,
Fights back.
When you just want to hold it,
To look and not keep.
It's hard to choose with no options.

I want to smile,
I really do,
In my natural state,
And not an artificial joy.
For now, I'll wait.

Paint Me Failed

1999-08-16T17:13:00.000-06:00

A familiar color has been painted.
A color that has shown its face time and time again.
I don't know what I do,
To deserve such an ugly color,
But somehow it always seems to find its way,
Onto every surface of myself,
And I don't know how to stop it.

It's like a damnation that I can't seem to break,
A chill I can't warm up,
A hole I can't fill,
A point I can't get.

I can't believe how unlucky I am,
To want the one thing I need,
But at the same time,
It's the only thing that I can't seem to have.

I would turn down a million for her,
Eternal life is hell when you're alone.

It would never be my choice,
To have this upon anyone else,
But everyone seems to want it,
To happen to me.
I'm not allowed to choose,
Nor am I allowed finish it all.

A rocky bed looks comfortable,
When the air around you is stale.
The locker under the sea is welcoming,
When the land I share is empty.

A shot in the dark, and a miss.
Shots fired in every direction,
Couldn't hit the air I breathe.

It may be a destiny I will live with,
Or disease that I can't cure.

Oh, how I could use the help,
To find out.

Maybe Not An Accident

1999-08-15T17:12:00.000-06:00

A fire,
You lit this fire,
You lit this fire in me,
In my soul.

It was accidental,
The way it happened.
But it happened,
And I'm not sad.

Honestly,
I am kind of glad,
And slightly honored,
That it was I you chose.

My insides are burning.
But I don't want it to stop.
Not even a cold sweat in the night,
Can douse out the flame.

I am not certain,
Of what kind of fire,
Nor, do I know how to use it,
To my advantage.

You are here,
And you still have the match.
As long as you still have it,
I know the fire is worth it.

Unless it was a tease,
A mean, evil tease,
That you have put upon me
But I doubt it.

I hope the fire is here,
Here to stay,
It keeps me warm,
And hopeful for now.

Lindsay

1999-08-14T23:24:00.000-06:00

It was all so sudden,
In am matter of moments,
I was all so captivated,
By her voice of magnificence.

But that wasn't the beginning,
No, she captured me by her speech.
She pulled me in quickly,
Like kids running towards the beach.

A river of thoughts,
Now before me,
Sharing her perspective on life,
More clearly I now see.

Now mesmerized with what she has said,
There is a connection,
Like we share so much,
All without our vision.

And in a relatively short time,
Much was shared,
Back and forth in conversation,
All fueled by the intrigue of the unexplored.

She told me a lot so much,
About who she was and who she is.
She asked me questions about me,
About who I am and who I was.

And the discussion continued,
Like it was an opera's symphony.
The harmony in the peace of mind,
Of someone who talks so gracefully.

As the time flew by,
And the uncomfortableness passed,
The topic of our listlessness had arisen,
And the idea needed to be addressed.

Presumably due to the curiosity,
And the hours spent already,
It seemed only natural,
To see each other in the light of the day.

And as it happened,
The plans were small,
The anxiety begins,
And time would only time will tell.

I couldn't help but think that night.
Time spent hoping and wondering,
Kept me from sleeping,
Until my eyes stopped blinking.

Finally, the sun rose,
Morning came with a slight bit of anxiousness.
Couldn't get that melodic voice out of my head,
As it was met with a sense of uneasiness.

The phone rang before I decided to call,
And what I found in my haste,
Is that my counterpart was anxious as well,
For unbeknown to myself, I was late.

This phone call, which I would have made,
To only confirm what was said already,
Was short and sweet,
And now it had activity.

Before I knew it,
I was there waiting for someone.
Not knowing who she was,
But I would once the waiting was done.

Then there she was.
I could put a face to a voice.
A pretty face of a pretty girl.
A girl where there couldn't have been a better choice.

And so onwards we go,
Towards something in the distance,
Where it is, I personally don't know,
But I hope it is a pleasant residence.

A Hidden Angel

1999-08-08T23:23:00.000-06:00

She stands silently,
Beneath the shadows of nothingness.
I know where she is,
But I can't feel her presence.

These shadows are so dark,
Not only does it hide her face,
It hides the lines that define her,
And makes her who she is.

A noise surrounds her,
Like I wasn't suppose hear her breathing.
A quiet white noise,
And now another sense isn't allowed to sense her.

I don't know if she wants to speak,
If she has anything on her mind,
If she wants me to say anything,
Or if her emotions are showing.

The air in this world,
Has no inescapable scent to it.
If she was to smell of flowers,
I wouldn't know.

Every step I take towards her shadow,
It grows larger in the light.
The sun moves in behind her for every step,
As I ask her to move towards me.

And when I start to run,
You fly further and further away.
And you glide with such grace,
It's hard to believe that you are not an angel.

But she must be an angel,
An angel from somewhere,
Come to seduce my thoughts,
And become fixtures in myself.

An angel of such importance,
That I cannot turn away.
For if I did look in a different direction,
The sun would swing around to blind my eyes.

No shade can protect me from this bright light,
No glasses would touch my face without pain.
So my eyes are only for this beautiful angel,
And there is no dispute against this condition.

I only dream of the day,
Of when this angel will stop,
And allow me to take a glimpse of her,
Without the shade of the bright light.

And when that day comes,
I know I will preserve the moment in my memory,
For it may be my only chance for this,
But hopefully I will have her forever.

A Waste of an Evening

1999-06-22T23:22:00.000-06:00

A broken dinner on the table,
A glass of juice,
It's only companion.

A magazine open along side,
The music has stopped,
And he goes to change the tone.

Takes out what was in there before,
And looks above to see what is next,
And like a reflex,
It's depressing.

Pressing the play button the machine,
He now tries to count the Duritz's,
That are singing the music,
He longs to sing along to.

The sun still shines bright,
It's just after six.

The hopes for the evening,
Are still packaged in its cardboard case.

A guest is all he asks,
Someone to look at,
Someone to talk to.
Nothing more, nothing less.

He now lays on the couch,
Believing what's left to believe.

Singing along to the songs,
That make him feel worse,
But it still knows him better,
Than anyone else.

Alone Again

1999-05-29T23:20:00.000-06:00

Well, I am just facing it now.
You are not here.
You haven't been here,
And you are sure as hell not going to be here.

But now that I see this,
I sometimes have to believe,
That I am better off,
Without the happiness you would bring.

Again, I find myself checking the mail,
For hopes that everything I feel,
Everything I tend to believe,
Is all for not and you want to be here.

I haven't seen you in so long,
But I have continued to believe,
That maybe, just maybe,
The sun will shine again.

The funniest thing,
The most ironic thing,
Is that you haven't a clue,
Of what I think.

You don't know,
Who I am,
Who I want to be,
Who I'm not going to be.

A sobering depression,
And I am the only one who
Feels it...
Knows it.

If I could hide a little longer,
I would be dead.
And people would say,
He has died a happy man.

Oh how wrong they would be,
Because my fate right now,
If I was to predict it,
Would not be one of pleasantries.

There is a piece that I am missing,
A very small, yet substantial piece.
I know where it is,
And I believe you know too.

Imagining

1999-05-23T23:18:00.000-06:00

Tonight I write,
For the sake of just writing.
Placing whatever comes to mind,
Onto the slate set before me.

But right now,
You,
You are on my mind.
And I would like to write forever.

To have you here,
To pose for this art,
Art of my thoughts,
Art of my words.

You can stand still,
Your back turned to me,
Not knowing I am there,
And I could write you a page or two.

I will write what I have to say,
It may not be the thing you want to hear,
But it will probably be something,
That I really mean.

And then you may turn around,
In a curious glaze,
You notice me,
With sheet in hand.

I take note of your face,
I take note of your body.
Another couple of pages comes to mind,
And you haven't even said a word.

The sun shines down on you,
I take notice of the light.
The highlights of your beauty,
Shine through as it was meant to be.

As I continue to write,
You slowly move closer,
The inquiring look becomes more certain,
And your pace slightly quickens.

Still I write you,
As if you will never come back to me again,
And you take notice,
Of my furious strokes on the page.

Quietly you sit yourself down,
Not saying a word,
Not wanting to disrupt the concentration,
In hopes of a complimentary quotation.

I haven't looked up from my page,
In hopes of finishing the notes
Mentally taken in moments past,
Patiently you wait for me.

Suddenly I finish my thoughts,
I start to tilt my head upwards,
The birds start to sing,
And the clouds are parting.

My head is up and staring,
And I see you,
Like you were in a beautiful poem,
Written for a beautiful person.

We both don't speak,
A silent song,
With a meaning,
That just screams infatuation.

Infatuation?
No, maybe more.
Yes, I would like to believe it is more,
And the look on your face thinks the same.

My eyes see you as beauty,
My nose smells a breeze of lilacs,
I feel the pen and paper,
And again become inspired.

I listen to the silence,
I read the silence,
I reach over to you,
And feel your skin.

Then, could it be?
Skepticism.
Not now, oh please, not now.
I can't help but doubt me.

I don't want to destroy what I have,
With the negative thoughts,
In my dark and shady head,
And then find myself saying something wrong.

I look back at you,
You smile back at me,
And I try to believe that it is,
That it is all okay.

I close my eyes,
Stand up,
Stretch out my arms,
And face the sky.

The sun feels warm on my eyelids,
My nose feels like its burning,
And the birds continue to sing,
Their beautiful song.

No real confidence,
Just a blind dive into the oblivion
As I look back at you
I try to believe I can continue.

I sit back down,
Look back at the sheet of paper,
Glance back in your direction,
And become inspired again.

You as whole have everything.
You could inspire anyone,
Do to anything,
And writing is one thing especially.

Every part of you,
Shines through in a bright light.
Every light different,
But every light is you.

What catches my eye first?
Your smile,
As it begins to unfold again,
I look at it, and I begin to write.

Like the newborn learning it's face,
You give me different expressions,
In order to stir up more,
Of you in me.

Time passes by,
Words are expelled,
And finally the silence is broken,
As you wish to read me.

I finish my thought,
I hand the paper to you,
And now I wait patiently,
In silent anticipation.

Now your facial expression,
Doesn't change at all.
In a strong concentration,
You consume what I have said.

Time has been stretched out,
As the many pages of you,
Are flipped one by one,
By the one that I have written them for.

Your eyes finally tear away from the page,
And take aim at my face.
You look at me with a look,
A blank uncertain look.

I look,
But I cannot read your face.
Did you like it?
I ask.

But you still look at me,
As if you are looking for something,
That is buried so deep into me,
That you need to look right through me.

But you can't seem to find,
Where I have placed you inside me.
You take my hand,
And lead me away.

You continue to not speak,
So I do not know where you taking me,
But we have been walking for awhile,
To a spot unknown to me.

As we cross many paths,
You lead me to a window,
That we can see through,
And see our reflections.

You point to me in the window,
Then you ask,
'Where am I in you?'
And I stand there in thought.

Through the window,
Or in a mirror,
The answer is always the same.
'Everywhere.'

I point to my feet,
To my head,
To my hands,
And lastly my heart.

I can feel you everywhere,
And that is the way it should be.
Then your facial expression changed,
To one of relief and joy.

Again, Failure

1999-05-19T23:17:00.000-06:00

Tonight, I lay down peacefully
To take into account
What actions that has passed
And come to the conclusion of failure.

Ignorant in the ways
Of the ritual courtship.
I find myself in a state of
Loneliness and utter depression.

And to compliment the pain
Is the knowledge that
The task at hand
Was not one of great difficulty.

A task of conjoining
Myself of the masculine type
To another of the feminine gender
Building us both into one whole entity.

This simple task
Was one of most importance
To the meaning of live
I have forged for me.

A simple reason
To awaken in the morning
To live throughout the day
And to wait to do it again tomorrow.

Now this desire must wait
For another one and another time
And until then I will
Harbor thoughts of past failure.

Rough Road Ahead

1999-05-18T23:16:00.000-06:00

Can you see yourself
At your destination?
Can you see your path
Through the place you wish to be?

Do you believe you will
Run right through
Without the trouble
Of the many obstacles?

But these obstacles you fear
Will not destroy who you are.
They may hurt you a little,
But they only build your character.

Then look at the obstacle
The one who stands before you.
Determine where this obstacle is,
Part of the path or a piece of the destination.

What Is It?

1999-05-16T23:16:00.000-06:00

So what is it?
What is it I need to do,
To open your doors
And look inside?

I hang on to
A thread of hope
Made of the notion,
That you haven't said no to the idea.

I'm in front of you now
On one knee
With a flower in my hand
Asking you please.

You taunt and torture
With the words expelled
The lips that seal
And the member within.

If I didn't need this
This never would have happened
The thought wouldn't see the light
The ink would never have met the paper.

Accept me and trust me,
Nothing can go wrong
If we live for the moment
And not look back.

A Soft Quality

1999-05-13T23:14:00.000-06:00

Fingernails chewed
Hair is curly soft
Forgiving personality
Couldn't hurt you.

Didn't want to seem
So hard,
Because I am
Not of that kind.

But I know
I draw images
That are very hard lined
And I have a very sharp wit.

So if I say
That I am so soft,
Then why does everyone think
That I am going to hurt them.

How can I prove to you
That if you press anywhere on me
That if would press inward,
And not come back to prick you.

Insult to Injury

1999-05-13T23:13:00.000-06:00

Drop me to the floor,
Punch me,
Grab me and throw me,
Just get me down there.

A shot to the head,
A kick to the ribs,
Grab a stick,
And take a swing at my back.

Blindfold yourself,
Pick the stick up again,
Spin yourself around,
And swing it mercilessly.

Open up my skin,
Make me bleed profusely,
Then stitch me up,
With a rusty needle.

Take my broken body,
Throw it away,
Into the ice cold lake,
Make it feel like I needed that.

Well now that I am cold,
You decide to warm me up,
By taking that iron bar in the fire,
And placing it against my body.

The burn marks on my body,
Seem to represent,
Your general hatred for my life,
And what I seem to want.

Now let's go for a drive,
Out to the middle of nowhere,
Throw me out of the vehicle,
And leave me to die.

After hours of lying in the soil,
You decide to finish me,
You get out of the car,
And you tell me you don't want me.

My eyes open wide,
My limbs cramp up,
And my heart stops.
A cold-blooded death.

My skin turns blue,
My eyes glaze up,
I begin to shrivel up.
You added insult to injury.

Atmospheric Entry

1999-05-11T23:11:00.000-06:00

Yourself as a whole
Hit my planet
As a comet
Plummeted from the heavens.

Myself as a giant rock
Could either envelop you
Or be destroyed
Into pebbles of my former self.

The impact of your hit
Has shook me to the core
And has quaked my mantle
With a new atmospheric pressure.

Although my surface material
Remains as it was before
There is a definite hole
That leads to my core.

Now only time will tell
If your material
Is docile
Or destructive.

On The House

1999-05-08T22:29:00.000-06:00

Penny for my thoughts,
You ask me.
Don't worry about it,
These ones are on the house.

I must be seeing things,
When you tell me you look horrible,
Because all I see,
Is a very attractive young lady.

And this beautiful girl,
Shines like the rising sun on the lake,
She sings like she should be in a higher place,
And knock out a guy without throwing a punch.

The Stabbing

1999-05-06T22:28:00.001-06:00

If I stab you,
How much would it hurt?
If it was a sharp object,
Would it hurt even more?

If I was to stab you,
What would you say?
Or would you even know,
I did anything at all?

What if I told you,
You've already stabbed me.
You have already pierced me,
With the needle of speech.

But you stabbed me,
And I bled profusely,
Not the red of the leaf,
But the blue of my feeling.

Did you know what you did,
Or was it so painfully unobvious,
That it passed your pretty face,
Like the star over the city of lights.

I wouldn't know where to start,
When I tell you how much it hurt,
Or how much sleep was lost,
All because of the metaphorical knife.

My Tiny Star

1999-05-06T22:28:00.000-06:00

This is me,
As this tiny little star,
No orbit,
Nowhere to go.

My light doesn't shine,
There's no glimmer,
There's no fire,
Just a tiny little glow.

Created in a bang,
No bangs since,
Nothing important,
Nothing made.

I haven't shot anywhere,
Haven't picked anything up.
Maybe one day,
I'll pass through a loose system.

Maybe I'll pick up,
Another star,
Brighter than I,
And we can create another universe.

Oblivious Goals

1999-05-04T22:27:00.000-06:00

Welcome to my oblivion,
The large emptiness,
Which imitates my life,
In all of its meaning.

I've felt like,
A vast space,
Taking up space,
In the lives of other people.

For my entirety as a whole,
Has done nothing,
In the way of accomplishments,
For man as a whole.

It would be something,
For me,
To be more than nothing,
To them.

To get away from the norm,
Of the family units,
Who are primarily proud of,
Myself staying alive.

But I want to be more,
More than this,
More than me,
Mainly, more than average.

Hard Conception

1999-05-04T22:26:00.000-06:00

For what I can see,
It is all black and white.
The lines are hard,
And not easy to break.

The understanding of this perception,
Is dependant of one's own
Definition of perception,
Deception and conception.

My eyes are not yours,
My thoughts are not aloud.
These hard images that I see,
Can be seen by you as well.

These jagged reflections,
Come off in many different forms.
From the raw edge of the truth,
To the sharp pain of the flame.

Once you've understood my position,
The hardest part is complete.
As soon as these lines are inside,
It is as hard for them to leave.

But now you've seen life,
From somewhat of it's eyes,
Now it should be simple,
To see someone else's different shaped lines.

Tuesday Thoughts

1999-04-27T22:26:00.000-06:00

A cold window,
And a hard tiled floor,
Add a half-hour of time,
To come up with thoughts galore.

I think about you,
And what we are now.
I also try to believe,
How far we can go and what we'll allow.

My thoughts can be so detailed,
From minute one to our last hour.
They bring somewhat of a smile to my face,
And a frown for thoughts that are unfortunately sour.

You can't say I'm not prepared,
I do think a lot.
I have a lot of time to think,
But still can miss a spot.

I know it won't be easy,
For what I want to accomplish,
I am willing to go the distance,
No matter what place I finish.

I have so much time to ponder,
On this dark lonely Tuesday,
But I am glad to have this sheet here,
To say what I have to say.

A Bing Of Me

1999-04-20T22:24:00.000-06:00

Kick up the leg,
Shake around that arm,
"Wah-pah!"

What...
What the hell am I doin'?
Is it wrong what I'm doin'?

Well... maybe it'll help,
If... if... I told you what I was doin'.
Yeah, that's it... yeah.

First of all,
Could this idea be any worse?
This poem doesn't even rhyme.

Second of all,
How shall I say it...
I like you. I like you a lot.

Third of all,
(Like you can actually say third of all, you idiot!)
Damn! No inner monologue on paper!
I would like to...
Huh, whatever comes after this part, I guess.

Finally,
"Wah-pah!"
I mean "Wah-pishh!"
No, wait.
I meant "Wah-pah!"

Try Me

1999-03-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

Don't think I think about you?
Don't think I have you in my head?
Don't think I want to see you again?
Don't think it's possible?

Let me tell you what I think.
Think about your questions.
Think about the chances.
Think about the possibilities.

Every song,
Soft or hard,
Love or hate,
I think of you.

Every movie I watch,
I try to find,
A resemblance,
Of what I saw.

All the girls on the street,
I can't help but compare,
Tall or small,
No one can touch your status.

During my day,
Prime time evenings,
In my dreams,
You are in my head.

You are in my hopes,
My aspirations,
My life,
All the depths of my sub-conscience.

These words,
These thoughts,
These feelings,
Are screaming your name.

How I can wish,
For the rest of the day,
For the rest of this year,
For more time spent with you.

Every Two Weeks

1999-03-08T00:56:00.000-07:00

The buttons on the phone are telling me,
The little voice in my head agrees continuously,
I know I should and I will,
But I can't help but think nervously.

We are now good friends,
And I've called times before.
We don't dive down deep into each other,
But I would like to dig down to the ground floor.

I finally pick up the phone,
I hold it and juggle the device.
My thumb covers the button numbered one,
This feeling won't pass, so a conversation will suffice.

Once I pressed the first buttons,
The rest comes a lot easier.
The next moment could be the toughest,
The phone rings and my greeting begins to sound cheesier.

Who will be the one to pickup?
There is only a fifty-fifty chance draw.
I really hope it is she,
For this call is for her and not to be flawed.

I await the click sound of the reception,
Time is so slow during my anxiety.
Until someone picks up the phone,
My pessimism believes it is someone else in her city.

************************************************************

When I'm not spending that small amount of time,
On the phone with that wonderful girl,
She constantly eats away at my mind,
Invading my time and conquering my world.

Her beauty pierces my armour,
Her smile melts away my protection,
Her body so small yet so powerful,
She can't help but have my affection.

Honestly, I think I would be stupid,
To want her out of my mind,
My memory of her is the sun in the rain,
And she is the cure I am trying to find.

The long distance is painful,
The uncertainty is killer,
The summer was regretful,
And this phone call is all I have of her.

************************************************************
The first ring passes by my ear,
The initial check of my nerves, are they up?
But it was only one ring,
Sooner or later someone will pick it up.

The second ring finally comes,
Who is going to say what?
The following silence is short but long,
Long enough to think many thoughts.

Another ring makes the wait eternal,
Just to hear a voice on the other side.
I know it will be worth it in the end,
Because the communication seems to glide.

Three rings have passed,
None of them comes too soon or too late.
Three is probably an average number of rings,
For anyone to wait.

But wait, a fourth ring rains upon me,
Rains down like a sudden storm that flew in,
And how was I to know,
That a fourth would have blown in.

************************************************************

She was the pinnacle of a year
That had a number of achievements,
And more memories,
Plus the dumbest mistakes and embarrassments.

She was the one that made it all,
Made it all seem so irrelevant,
Made it all seem like second string events,
What I saw in her was so god sent.

************************************************************

Well, I must be the luckiest guy right now,
Because she is the one who picked it up.
I know I won't say anything I wanted,
But her hello is what picks me up.

I reply to the sweet voice,
And she immediately recognizes mine.
As if she knew I was calling,
It had been two weeks and it was only a matter of time.

Every moment of her sound I want back,
To playback and enjoy some more.
What I saw months ago and read weeks ago,
Is reflected and more in her telephone music score.

Any topic we choose and talk about,
Seems more important that the issues around.
I listen attentively and reply quickly,
To my new cliché which is her sound.

************************************************************

Even as we talk for hours on the phone,
I can't help but think of the things I have confessed.
Maybe I haven't said anything special on the phone,
And maybe it's because talking makes me feel blessed.

I've written to her before,
What I wished and hoped I could do,
How I would drop it all here where I live,
Move to where she is and try to make us happy too.

With so much time to think,
I can't help but have her in my mind,
And try to think of something that could soon,
Bring us back together and make us two of a kind.

I don't want to try too hard,
For there is much time in between now and then,
And I just want to share what we have,
And not ruin it and kill the chance of it happening again.

************************************************************

The numbers on the clock has passed,
In a matter that is faster than the conversation.
We don't seem to have much to say anyway,
And the yawning has taken the place of discussion.

Whether it was a long day for her,
Or perhaps a busy 12 hours of mine,
Our chat must come to an end,
And so begins the good-byes of restrain.

Any further thoughts would be invited,
Any further comments are warranted,
A chance to say something of meaning,
But the cowardliness has been permitted.

************************************************************

I couldn't tell her then,
It wasn't the time,
Of course I know better to do something like that,
But the time will come, sometime.

************************************************************

Her voice softens,
My heart melts as she articulates just right.
I tell her to feel better by the next time we talk,
And we begin our descent into the night.

The conversation begins to pick itself up as we say our good-byes,
She says the goodnight so softly,
And I tenderly say to her a goodnight,
Then she lays her phone down to hang it up so gently.

Another hour or two spent on the phone together,
Another two weeks until we talk again.
I haven't seen her in over 8 months,
But these phone calls are going to be my long-term gain.

Considerable Pain

1999-02-28T22:22:00.000-07:00

Walked out of there,
Not much to live for,
They hate me,
Me hates me.

Walking slowly,
Nowhere to go,
No one to see,
Weight shifted as I walk.

Left leg out,
I am on the ground.
Right leg taken too.

Rolling in pain,
Agony and anxiety.
End it, end it now!

Left alone to suffer,
Life blown to hell.
Physical pain too much.
End me, end me now!

Multiply that,
By everyday in your life.

Coming To Terms

1999-02-02T22:21:00.000-07:00

Don't call me a tragedy,
There is no regret.

I might crack jokes,
But I am not a comedy.

Anything I do,
Does it make you think?
Does it make you laugh?

Things seem to be set in their ways.
I want her,
But I only see her.
I want to buy this,
But I can only have that.

Solitude is definite,
Loneliness is inevitable,
Darkness is comforting.

Everything is simple,
Everyone wants complexity,
I am happy,
Complexity is troubling.

It's hard to be ignorant,
With so much going on.
News is bad,
Money is going,
Time is fading.

Alone is not so dramatic,
But it is here to stay.

Leave Me Alone

1999-02-02T22:20:00.000-07:00

I just want
To be left alone.
To myself
My thoughts,
Not yours.
My feelings,
Not your opinion.
I don't have to
Do what you want
Me to do.

I'll go left,
You point right.
I'll sit,
When you want me to stand.

I'll do it for spite,
How I like spite.

I want to take it slow.
Don't rush me.
You'll only make me
Make more mistakes.

I don't care
If I'm too slow.
I don't care
If I miss the bus.
I'll find my way.

Don't leave my side.
I might not need you now,
But I could help you.
You might need me.

I'm not rushing
Out your door.
I'll look outside.
I'll see what I need to
And then I will go.

I still want you close.
I need to be the judge of that.
Don't breathe down my back,
But I need you in my reach.

You just might save me
From something stupid.
You're my elastic band
To pull me back,
If I need to jump.

This time is important,
To find my way,
To find myself.

My Inspiration

1999-01-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

Pen to paper,
Suddenly, your name appears.
Your name shows,
I haven't forgotten.

You know it's about,
Something familiar.

Do you question,
My thoughts?
Are you flattered,
By my words?

I know you know,
Who it's about.

Are they tossed,
Thrown away?
Are the kept,
Memories for another day?

They don't know,
What they are about.

Do they,
Make you hope?
Are they,
Pleasant memories?

Who is it,
Immortalized?

What if,
More people knew?
Knew it was,
Mostly you.

Inspiration,
A beautiful thing.

All of what has happened,
None gone to waste.
Still much more to see,
More words to write.

Encouragement,
Soon my time will come.

Until the future,
Is for certain,
The thoughts will flow,
And the ink will drop.

A fork in the road?
Draw a map.

I leave myself,
On the paper.
When in doubt,
I'll be there.

Security,
Is the deuce.

You,
Are my ace.

Letting It All Out

1999-01-10T22:19:00.000-07:00

Let's get something straight,
I think I finally found me.
I know what I want,
And I hope you can see.

I know my life isn't sex,
'Cause I can't fuck every girl I kiss.
I know I only want one woman,
One girl that I don't want to miss.

My life is gonna turn good,
I want to know this for a fact,
For all of this shit-hole loneliness,
There must be happiness to be made up that before Iacked.

And I would like to believe,
That I found her already.
Therefore, I wouldn't have to look,
And my love for her would be steady.

If who I am thinking,
Just could be the one,
Then I would want her to know this,
And then our future would be more fun.

To begin I would say,
You physique is attractive,
But what I saw in your eyes,
Made me feel less offensive.

The mystery of you,
Is appealing to me.
And the beauty of you,
Is what I want to see.

If I had you for my own,
Until forever runs out,
You would be my priority,
Number one with out a doubt.

I believe that it's you,
That finally makes me complete,
It could only be true,
If you would repeat.

For it to be real,
It must run both ways,
For it to be love,
We must see it days upon days.

And the final piece,
For me would be fulfilled,
Would be for my family's security,
And their dreams never killed.

If she was right here,
Willing to hear what I said,
I would take any answer,
Me being happy or left for dead.

If she'd left me,
In the place where I stand,
It wasn't to be,
And take my new life by the hand.

For I would have to find someone new,
And see into her eyes,
Start this poem again,
Waiting for the surprise.

Hello, Possibility

1999-01-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

You know,
When the sky is grey,
The grand is white of snow,
There is always a way.

Hey,
When the sky is black,
And soon it will be day,
I will always promise to come back.

Hi,
The sky is full of clouds,
In front of them, birds fly,
A ray of light will find you in a crowd.

My dear,
Today the sky is clear,
There is nothing to fear,
We'll both hold each other here.

New Years 1999

1999-01-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

In one night,
We met,
We talked,
We kissed,
We were married.

With an Angel,
And Aurora,
We faked our future.

We thought,
Of animals,
Of finance,
Of city.

We found years,
In hours.
I found you,
In a night.

In one night,
I didn't want,
To let go,
Or look away.

Not just a New Year's kiss.

A Cry Out

1998-11-28T22:15:00.000-07:00

Confidence.
Weak,
Strong,
Shattered.

I couldn't believe it.
I said something,
I meant,
Indirectly.

Watching you move,
Dancing with you,
It made it so easy,
With so much overhead.

But what was it,
You could leave,
It was so easy,
What was it!?!

I was believing,
And I was forgetting,
I had to leave,
You took me somewhere else.

But you had to remind,
Remind me about the time.

You have no idea,
The impact you made,
Before,
While,
And after.

You shut me down,
You shut me out.

I felt it all.
I fell down.

You kicked me,
You finished me.
You might as well,
Beat me into the grave.

I still have so many,
Many questions,
About you,
...About me.

If it wasn't for the time?

But it must be tough,
To keep all the guys off,
Of you.
Why the hell do you need me.

I'm nothing,
A candy bar,
A convenience store.

Take a bite,
Enjoy the moment,
Throw away the wrapper.

I wish you got to see,
More of who I am.
What I could be,
For you.

But apparently,
Myself,
My actions or words,
Aren't worth,
What they were made upon.

I've grown cold,
Grown into pieces,
Of my old self.

I hope I never see you.
I'm afraid I would say,
So much. Too much.
If I haven't already.

I can't believe it.

Tiring Mistake

1998-11-17T22:15:00.000-07:00

A week,
A week's worth of waiting.
I tried to meet,
Tried to be on schedule.

I couldn't see you.
But hoped for you.
Hoped to see you.

Maybe I found you,
And maybe I didn't.
I'm curious to know,
If it is you.

I remember,
Where we first met,
First saw you,
Spoke to you.

Only my mistake,
Has put me in this situation.
Only myself,
Can resolve the problem.

Insomnia Angel

1998-11-12T22:14:00.000-07:00

Again I find myself,
Alone in the dark,
No where to go,
No sleep in my body.

The furnace shuts off,
To cool itself down,
My mind can't stop thinkin',
About the angel on the bus.

She is so pretty,
So smart, so right.
All keeps me from sleeping,
From sleeping tonight.

Click!

1998-11-11T22:14:00.000-07:00

Click!

A flick of a switch,
And my heart starts racing.
It starts to fly.
Fly away to you.

At a place,
So unlikely to meet,
So unlikely to see,
Beauty like yourself.

But my heart starts to settle,
The beats become slower,
The nervousness sets in,
When will I see you again?

I can only try my best,
To time it just right,
To see you again soon,
As you slide into my life.

I thought we connected,
When we had a long chat
We have so much in common,
What do you think about that?

Complex of Complexions

1998-11-10T22:13:00.000-07:00

My complex,
The internal complex.
I try to understand,
Try to figure out.

So complex,
So much thought.
Such a puzzle,
So long to finish.

I want to be,
Put together,
Figured out,
No matter how long.

My pieces are scattered,
Around in circles,
To gather my self,
I'll feel dizzy.

So much to think,
Too much to comprehend.
I must break down,
Into simpler thoughts.

We may have to break,
To make fit.
We might have to push,
To wedge in the details.

Don't jump,
To conclusions,
Of unknown,
Proportions.

I don't want to,
Get ahead,
Get confused,
Or get lost.

It will take patience,
To make me whole,
Make me one,
Make me.

New Shadow

1998-10-01T22:11:00.000-06:00

A new shadow,
On the plains of my mind.
She is cute, smart and funny,
Is there any other kind?

Her shadow covers,
All of the reasoning sands,
She roars across my earth,
And it hurts me where she stands.

She might not know it,
She might not see it.
But I know for sure,
I'll let her be it.

For now I think,
Like there is no tomorrow,
And now I want to lend,
Just for her to borrow.

If I was to paint,
This moment in time,
It would be the end of winter,
The spring at the drop of a dime.

Where Are We?

1998-09-30T22:11:00.000-06:00

If you care to remember,
Care to remember me.
What do you see?

Am I still there?
Do I look the same,
Same as when we were -
Or has my face disappeared,
Into a dark, deep,
Oblivious sub-conscience.

Do you want to,
Want to remember?
For soon it's December,
And then the New Year.

Where will we both be,
When a reunion comes along?
Will memories be so vivid?

We have moved on.
Our lives went away.
Did I see you there?
It couldn't have been you.

Fading

1998-09-26T22:11:00.000-06:00

You're starting,
To fade away.
Here, then,
Faded, today.

It's a matter of time,
Before you are,
A precious memory,
Like my first star.

I wish I wouldn't,
Go away like this.
But steps and turns later,
The maybe is what I miss.

I may have gone,
From you long ago.
But tonight,
Your star gives a glow.

A rose before,
Red as the fire,
There once was,
Now - little desire.

You were the reason,
To go home.
Now I am caring less,
Now I'm going to roam.